🤝#22: The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters by Priya Parker - Book Summary & Key Takeaways
How is The Art of Gathering relevant to psychology, trauma and healing? Why do so many of our gatherings disappoint us? How can we gather better, and more meaningfully?
Hello courageous people! 👋 Welcome to Edition 22.
This week, we are covering 📚 The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters 🖋 by Priya Parker.
By the title, this book might seem a little off topic to the kinds of books I usually feature in Post Traumatic Growth Weekly. (And because of that I would love your feedback - please reply to this email and share you thoughts if you’d like A) more books like this that are less directly related, but still relevant to trauma and healing, or B) if this strays too far from what you are hoping for!)
So let’s jump in. All text in italics are quotes taken directly from the book.
🤔 How is The Art of Gathering relevant to psychology, trauma and healing?
Great question.
While this book has no direct links to understanding trauma or mental health better or an obvious link to rebuilding our lives after these types of experiences, I do know one thing for sure.
😌 So much of healing is about reconnecting with ourselves, and others.
This book is the best guide I have ever read on how to engineer connection with others and have more meaningful interactions.
This is the best way I can explain how it has helped me over this past week:
It has empowered me to step into the driver’s seat of the gatherings I am organising, and truly step into making them mean something
I have realised that I’m not alone in feeling underwhelmed or even dissatisfied with many gatherings I attend
I have spent too much time disconnected from the people around me, but it doesn’t have to be like this forever, and there are processes and tools that can help
“The Art of Gathering is part journey and part guidebook. It is for anyone who has ever wondered how to take an ordinary moment with others and make it unforgettable—and meaningful.” - page v
Who doesn’t want more of that, right?!
😕 Why are so many gatherings we attend somewhat disappointing?
“We spend our lives gathering—first in our families, then in neighborhoods and playgroups, schools and churches, and then in meetings, weddings, town halls, conferences, birthday parties, product launches, board meetings, class and family reunions, dinner parties, trade fairs, and funerals. And we spend much of that time in uninspiring, underwhelming moments that fail to capture us, change us in any way, or connect us to one another.” - page v
The research proves this is true from conferences:
“With the occasional exception, my mood in conferences usually swings between boredom, despair, and rage.”
To meetings:
“The 2015 State of Enterprise Work survey found that “wasteful meetings” were employees’ top obstacle to getting work done.”
To the time we spend with our friends:
“A 2013 study, The State of Friendship in America 2013: A Crisis of Confidence, found that 75 percent of respondents were unsatisfied with those relationships.”
But regardless of feeling underwhelmed and dissatisfied with the vast majority of our gatherings, we continue to use the same ways to gather over and over again.
“Most of us remain on autopilot when we bring people together, following stale formulas, hoping that the chemistry of a good meeting, conference, or party will somehow take care of itself, that thrilling results will magically emerge from the usual staid inputs. It is almost always a vain hope.” - page v
👭 Remembering why Gatherings matter
We have been gathering since the beginning of time. Originally a mechanism purely for survival, but gatherings are so much more than that.
“The way we gather matters. Gatherings consume our days and help determine the kind of world we live in, in both our intimate and public realms. Gathering—the conscious bringing together of people for a reason—shapes the way we think, feel, and make sense of our world.” - page v
The descriptions and stories from this book (these coming up very soon) have transformed my thinking from a gathering as a thing of necessity or habit, into something which can be as stimulating, meaningful and all encompassing as an art installation. I had never thought of events and art as having the potential to have such a significant overlap in a Venn diagram, but here we are.
Here are 5 strategies to help us engineer the most meaningful gatherings.
🥰1️⃣ Why do we gather?
The answer to this question might seem obvious, but in actual fact giving the proper time and attention to the purpose of our gatherings is absolutely key in creating meaningful experiences.
“We gather to solve problems we can’t solve on our own. We gather to celebrate, to mourn, and to mark transitions. We gather to make decisions. We gather because we need one another. We gather to show strength. We gather to honor and acknowledge. We gather to build companies and schools and neighborhoods. We gather to welcome, and we gather to say goodbye.
But here is the great paradox of gathering: There are so many good reasons for coming together that often we don’t know precisely why we are doing so. You are not alone if you skip the first step in convening people meaningfully: committing to a bold, sharp purpose.” - page 3
Priya says very clearly that most of our “usual” reasons for gathering are simply not strong enough, or missing the point entirely. Two notes on this:
1 - A category isn’t a purpose, eg. birthday party or team offsite.
2 - A loose purpose will often not do the event the justice it deserves, eg. “to connect”.
Here are some more examples:
But how do we arrive at the purpose statements in the last column?
By drilling down and using the 5 Why’s.
“Let’s look at how we might move from the what to the why of something as simple as a neighborhood potluck:
Why are you having a neighborhood potluck?
Because we like potlucks, and we have one every year.Why do you have one every year?
Because we like to get our neighbors together at the beginning of the summer.Why do you like to get your neighbors together at the beginning of the summer?
I guess, if you really think about it, it’s a way of marking the time and reconnecting after the hectic school year.Aha.
And why is that important?
Because when we have more time in the summer to be together, it’s when we remember what community is, and it helps us forge the bonds that make this a great place to live. Aha.And safer. Aha.
And a place that embodies the values we want our children to grow up with, like that strangers aren’t scary. Aha. Now we’re getting somewhere.” - page 4
🤸♀️2️⃣ Who do we want to gather with?
“Who not only fits but also helps fulfill the gathering’s purpose? Who threatens the purpose? Who, despite being irrelevant to the purpose, do you feel obliged to invite?” - page 44
Sometimes, inviting people out of courtesy can actually harm our gatherings instead of help them. This information felt new and almost radical to me.
If we are just inviting anyone and everyone along to a gathering this can indicate a lack of clarity to the purpose of the gathering, and also isn’t respectful to the other guests.
Every person should be there for a reason.
But thoughtful, considered exclusion is vital to any gathering, because over-inclusion is a symptom of deeper problems—above all, a confusion about why you are gathering and a lack of commitment to your purpose and your guests.
“The thoughtful gatherer understands that inclusion can in fact be uncharitable, and exclusion generous.” - page 38
For example:
“Sometimes we over-include because we don’t want to deal with the consequences of excluding certain people, especially those gifted at making a stink. We cave in to the founder who no longer works at the company but wants to come to the leadership offsite, even though its purpose is to establish the new CEO’s authority after the founder’s exit.” - page 38
In actual fact, by choosing to invite the founder and not wanting to hurt his or her feelings, the decision has actually been made by default to de-prioritise the needs of the entire company and everyone else attending the offsite.
The same reasoning can be applied to family and social gatherings, though in all situations needs to be handled with care.
📝3️⃣ It’s okay (and encouraged) to make rules
“We will delve into a way of seasoning your gathering more deeply: designing it as a world that will exist only once.” - page 113
Every single gathering we have will only exist once. They can be special moments, if we are careful in how we craft them, and rules can absolutely help us to do that.
They can be simple, yet clear:
“Conversation: We ask that guests do not discuss their careers until after the presentation portion of the evening.
Attendance: People who confirm and do not attend are unlikely to be invited again.
First names only: Personal information—last names, professions, etc.—are saved for last. In the interest of maintaining pure collaboration, use first names only until The Reveal” - page 114-115
Because, contrary to what many of us (myself included before reading this book) might believe rules during a gathering can be liberating:
“Rules-based gatherings, controlling as they might seem, are actually bringing new freedom and openness to our gatherings.”
For example: Dîner en Blanc
“Dîner en Blanc is a magical example of what a gathering can achieve when it is governed by explicit rules.
On the appointed evening, thousands of locals dress elegantly in white from head to toe, with a dash of the spectacular—perhaps a boa, a fascinator, a top hat, a cane, angel wings, or white gloves. They arrive in pairs at one of a number of designated locations throughout the city. They are carrying picnic baskets full of champagne, elegant home-cooked food, glassware, white tablecloths, white flowers, and their own fold-up tables and chairs. They do not know ahead of time where this massive flash mob of a dinner party will take place. But they are sure it will be good.” - page 125
Here is an example of the written rules by which one much adhere when attending Dîner en Blanc:
If you receive an invitation, you need to bring one guest with you.
The rows of tables have a male side and a female side.
Wear white, including socks, shoes, headpieces.
Dress formally and outrageously, but in good taste.
Bring wine, champagne, or mineral water. No beer, spirits, or soft drinks.
The square table must be between 28–32 inches by 28–32 inches and covered with a white tablecloth.
No plastic, no paper. Only glassware and fine china.
If you accept, attendance is mandatory. Rain or shine.
Food must be “quality,” ideally homemade; no fast food.
There is no MC to the evening. Everything happens through group cues.
No standing during the eating period. This is a formal dinner. - page 128
So the take home message here is don’t be afraid to apply rigid rules and expectations in order to achieve the ultimate purpose. Of course, the enforcing of these rules can take some finessing and practice, but it will be 100% worth it.
🚪4️⃣ Encourage people to leave their Best Self at the door
Huh?
I know. I thought the same thing when I first read this section, but it has a very specific purpose and meaning. How often have you been to a gathering and the conversation has remained purely at surface level?
“They lurk there because everyone is presenting the best self they think others expect to meet.” - page 194
And only bringing our “best selves” really limits the potential for conversations to go to a deeper place:
“How do you get people to be vulnerable when they show up invulnerable? How do you create a work dinner that feels more like a rehearsal dinner? How do you take people who have come to hawk one idea or organization and restore them, for a night, into the complex, multifaceted human beings they actually are? How do you allow for weakness and doubt in people who normally exude certainty and confidence?” - page 196
Though the quote above is targeted towards a work dinner, the same can easily be said for many gatherings even among friends or family members who have known each other for a long time. (Who can relate? 🙋♀️)
How Priya changed the conversation at one of her own family gatherings:
“A few years ago, my husband and I were going to India to visit our grandparents and extended family. We decided to gather both sides of our family for a dinner. There would be seventeen of us in total. Being well acquainted with large family dinners, I knew that if we didn’t do anything to design the evening, cousins would gravitate to their own cousins, grandparents would talk among themselves, and most of the conversation would be small talk. We would eat, drink, get sleepy, and call it a night. Not necessarily a bad evening, but we wanted to make it special.
We asked the group to share a story, a moment, or an experience from their life that “changed the way you view the world.” Then we added the clincher: It had to be a story that no one else at the gathering knew. This was, in a sense, a rather wild requirement for a gathering of family members in a tight-knit society in which relatives are a bigger part of life than friends. But we thought it might give the dinner a shot at getting people who thought they knew everything about one another to see one another with fresh eyes.
One aunt, a geneticist, spoke of being told as a teenager that she couldn’t be a doctor because she was a woman. Another aunt, a civil servant, talked about passing the Indian Administrative Service test, completing officer training, only to be put in a district magistrate’s office for months on end, never being let into the field.
As the toasts went on, I began to realize that something remarkable was happening: Fathers and mothers and sons and nieces were learning about their own family members in ways they’d never expected.
When a family elder, now in his nineties, shared his story, he recalled a time fifty years prior when he was working at a large company and realized that the advertisement reels he was sending out to movie theaters were often not making it there or, if they were, not being played. He told us how he solved the problem. Suddenly, in this aging man who often stays quiet, in part because he is hard of hearing, the table saw a young, sprightly, inventive businessman.”
- page 217-219
As more people shared, the deeper the stories became. Which brings us to our final point.
👻5️⃣ Know that it’s okay to let people go to The Dark Place
Far too often, we run our events on a cult of positivity - and it can be exhausting, as well as not truly representative of our human experience. It can be extremely beneficial to allow ourselves to go to The Dark Place at times.
This framing of “The Dark Place” actually came from Priya consulting with a New York City prominent dominatrix, of all people:
“She sees her job as helping clients explore their darker fantasies in a safe space.” - page 214
Why?
“I think it makes the world a better place,” she said with a laugh. That sounded too simplistic. Why did letting people be dark make the world a better place? She thought for a moment. “Because if they know who they really are, they don’t have to compensate with anger or self-hatred,” she said.” - page 214
The ultimate lesson is this:
“Darkness is better inside the tent than outside of it. We all have it. It’s going to be at your gathering. And if you bar it from the formal proceedings, it doesn’t disappear.” - page 215
I think these last few sentences hit so close to home for me, and perhaps for many of you too, who have suffered from traumatic events but having to move through the world pretending like they have never happened.
Maybe it is possible to hold space for both the positive things, and the negative things, without having to permanently inhabit one realm or the other.
I sure hope so.
In closing, I will leave you with these three questions as food for thought:
Who do you want to deepen your relationship with?
What kind of gathering would help you achieve that?
How soon could you organise it and what new strategies could you use?
Perhaps we can all have deeper, more meaningful, more authentic relationships if we are just brave enough to engineer our gatherings with that purpose in mind.
Until next week,
Eleanor ❤️🙏
🧠 Resources & Links
🤝 Human Rights list of Mental Health Support Services
🎧 Listen to Priya’s podcast Together Apart produced by the New York Times
📸 Follow Priya Parker on Instagram - 61k followers
🐥 Follow Priya Parker on Twitter - 34.8k followers
📕 Next week’s book
Coming out next Friday 1st July 2022 is #23:
📚 Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?
🖋 by Dr Julie Smith
It’s a New York Times #1 Best Seller, so it’s got to be goooood!
“Filled with secrets from the therapy room, Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? offers simple advice, effective strategies and powerful coping techniques to help readers stay positive and resilient no matter what life throws their way.”