💪#5: How To Do The Work by Nicole LePera - Book Summary and Key Takeaways
What are the principles of Self Healing? How do we become more self aware? What kind of trauma did your parent-figures impart on you? What is your Inner Child archetype? How do I not f*ck up my kids?
Hello courageous people and welcome to the fifth edition of the newsletter! ❤️🙏
This week, we are here to learn How 👏 To 👏 Do 👏 The 👏 Work 👏 with Holistic Psychologist Dr Nicole LePera.
I was fascinated and extremely challenged—in a great way—by this book.
So here are the key takeaways - let’s jump in! All text in italics are quotes taken directly from the book.
🕵️♀️ A bit of background on the Author, Dr Nicole LePera
One of the things that stood out at the start of this book, was the way Nicole categorised herself as being “totally fine”.
She was working as a psychologist, treating patients day in and day out. She wanted to help them but didn’t necessarily identify with them, believing wholeheartedly that she had had a perfect childhood and was coping with everything as a grown up just fine.
Slowly, Nicole started admitting to herself that she was struggling with many of the same issues that her clients were - from an overwhelming feeling of being stuck in her life, to experiencing a myriad of mental and physical health problems (she had begun fainting, having digestive issues just to name two). Finally she was able to admit to herself that,
“I was a psychologist, someone who was supposed to help others understand their inner world, yet I continued to be a stranger to, and unable to truly help, even myself.” - page 21
😳 This truly speaks to how difficult it can be to recognise when we are in need of help or change. When even the most highly trained professionals in the field can’t even see it in themselves, what hope do the rest of us have?
The very first step on the path to regaining a sense of hope and control is becoming more aware of our inner state of being.
🧐 How do we go about becoming conscious of our own inner turmoil or unhelpful patterns?
At the end of the book, Nicole says:
“I was once unwell, wounded, and unconscious.” - page 302
If we are unconscious, we cannot help ourselves.
The background on this and the reason why so many of us go through life “unconscious”, is because we have been trained (mostly inadvertently) to be this way.
“As we grow older and fall under the influence of others, we tend to become disconnected from our intuition. Our sixth sense gets muddied. It’s not lost, just buried.” - page 48
So here are two of the recommended exercises from the book to help you get re-acquainted with yourself:
☁️Spend one to two minutes per day mentally checking in with yourself. Ask yourself how you are feeling, what you are feeling, and try to identify your current landscape of emotions.
📝 Future Self Journalling (keep reading - there is a link to this in the Resources section down the bottom!) - filling in statements of something small that you wish to change on that given day. It could be as small as taking three deep breaths after you wake up in the morning.
🙄 But what if I don’t want to check in with myself or do any journalling?
Often when we contemplate doing something like this, it can feel extremely uncomfortable. Looking deeply at ourselves can be very scary. And one of the ways we try to worm and squirm our way out of doing “the work” is by saying “That’s stupid. I’m so not doing that” or “What difference will one minute make?”
Do your best to quiet that voice inside your head, and focus on this instead:
“Physical and psychological symptoms are messages, not lifelong diagnoses that can only be managed. If you commit to doing the work every day, there will come a time when you will look in the mirror and feel awestruck by the person looking back at you.” - page 14
Just take it one step at a time, and fight against your urge to fight the process! 🥊
😌 What are the core principles of Self Healing?
How To Do The Work has a resounding theme throughout, and that is:
“I want you to make your practise of the work uniquely yours. Take what resonates and leave what doesn’t. You are your own best healer.” - page 297
Holistic Psychology and Self Healing is different to the more traditional, Western medical definition of psychology as it takes into account (a) the individual, and (b) the mind-body connection to a much greater degree. Here are the core principles:
“☀️ 1. Healing is a daily event. You can’t ‘go somewhere’ to be healed; you must go inward to be healed.
🙋♀️ 2. Though many things are beyond out control, Holistic Psychology harnesses the power of choice, because choice enables healing.
🔨 3. Holistic tools are very practical and approachable.
💪 4. Taking responsibility for your mental wellness, though intimidating, can be incredibly empowering.” - page 36
In Self Healing and Holistic Psychology, there is a lot of room and it is encouraged for people to colour outside the lines.
😬 We need to talk about our childhoods.
Look, I know. I have to admit that I wasn’t that keen on going there myself, but this is another long running theme throughout the book so we don’t really have a choice! In short, for each and every single one of us, we are the way we are and we are dealing with our own set of pain and problems due to our experiences as children.
As was mentioned earlier, Nicole would have said originally that she had a perfect childhood without experiencing any real adverse events 😇. But as she looked more closely, she realised that this wasn’t entirely true.
There are 6 different parent-figure archetypes, and 7 different Inner Child archetypes that can help us identify what some of our underlying themes are, and with that awareness we can start to make changes for the better.
But before we jump right into those, here is one super important point that we all need to understand.
🙅♀️ Realising that trauma is a widely misunderstood concept
Trauma is usually defined as some type of deeply catastrophic event like going to war or severe abuse. Often that type of trauma is life altering and can split a person’s life into a ‘before’ and ‘after’.
Nicole even reiterates that this was the message she received during her training as a psychologist:
“That the word trauma only applied to someone who experienced extreme abuse.” - page 63-64
But she then goes on to say this:
“The reality is that there are many people who cannot point to several moments (or even one moment) that broke their life apart. Many might not be able to admit that any part of their childhood was damaging. That doesn’t mean that there wasn’t trauma present.
I’ve yet to meet a person who has not experienced some level of trauma in their life. I believe that our understanding of trauma should be widened to include a diverse range of overwhelming experiences or any negative event that occurs in a state of relative helplessness.” - page 66
All I can say to this statement is 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏. (It is also the exact reason I started writing Post Traumatic Growth Weekly.)
Now that we have re-defined what we are talking about when we say ‘trauma’ let’s go back in time to our childhood selves. 🚗💨
👶 The role of the parent-figure in development
The role of our parent-figures is to guide us through life, especially early life.
The goal is for the parent-figure to provide a loving, stable, secure base for the child to be able to venture out and explore life with all of the ups and downs that may bring. In an ideal circumstance, our parent figure will be a wise guide or teacher.
But more often than not, our parent-figures did not have had the opportunity to heal or recognise their own traumas before taking on the role of “guide” for their children.
Many of the strategies our parent-figures used to guide us as children were well intentioned and done from a place of deep love, but this still doesn’t mean that they got it right every single time.
👨👩👦 What are the 6 Parental Archetypes and how can they contribute to childhood trauma?
🙅♀️ 1. Having a Parent Who Denies Your Reality
”When a parent-figure denies a child’s reality, they are unconsciously teaching the child to reject their intuition, their ‘gut feeling’. The more we learn to distrust ourselves, the deeper this intuitive voice withdraws, becoming harder and harder to hear.” - page 71
For example:
A child might confide in their parent-figure that their friends didn’t want to sit with them at lunch. For the child in that moment, it was an extremely distressing situation, resulting in them feeling rejected at a time when the need for peer validation is an important part of development. The well-intentioned parent-figure might respond with some degree of dismissal, “Don’t worry, you’ll find new friends. It isn’t a big deal. It will get better. It’s only your first day!” - page 71
This is problematic because the child is experiencing very real and legitimate feelings, but instead received the communication that their experience was inconsequential.
👤 2. Having a Parent Who Does Not See or Hear You
“We’ve all heard the saying ‘Children are meant to be seen, not heard’. It was a slogan of sorts that summed up our older generations’ mindset around raising children.
These adults often defined successful parenting as the fulfilment of basic survival needs with little energy or attention left for emotional needs. Not being seen or heard in childhood is an experience of feeling emotionally disconnected from a parent-figure.”
For example:
“It can look like a parent-figure who is overwhelmed by their own feelings and distracted by chronic stress or one who is in a state of complete emotional shutdown and unable to support their child’s emotional expression.
Another version looks like a parent-figure operating on autopilot, running from task to task, distracted in their own mind, and unable to truly see their child in front of them. The parent figure is simply “not there”. - page 73
💃 3. Having a Parent Who Lives Vicariously Through You
“This type of parent-figure is typically known as a ‘stage parent’ - someone who is overzealous and pushes their child to fulfil the parent-figure’s own needs for fame, achievement or attention. Parent-figures who live our their lives through their children carry a deep-seated, painful belief that they are a failure or in some way inadequate and project this core belief onto their children.”
For example:
“A father who wanted to be a basketball player broke his leg before he was able to make his college team, or maybe a mother wanted to be a doctor and that path wasn’t open to her so she became a nurse.
The result is that the child may feel an oppressive amount of pressure to succeed—and abandons parts of their authentic Self in order to please the parent-figure.” - page 74
🚧 4. Having a Parent Who Does Not Model Boundaries
“Many of us grew up in homes raised by parent-figures who did not fully understand how to use or maintain their own boundaries, making them unable to model appropriate limits for us.”
For example:
“In my therapy practise I heard frequent historical reports of a parent-figure’s reading of a childhood diary. This violation of private space often resulted in a shaming confrontation for the child and sometimes even punishment.
These experiences teach us as children that loved ones can and do cross one’s boundaries. Children may internalise a belief that such boundary crossings are part of ‘closeness’ and ‘love’, allowing them in future partnerships.”
Another example:
“Common boundary crossing occurs when one parent-figure complains to a child about the other parent-figure. The parent-figure, unable to appreciate that the child is not a peer, may be seeking emotional comfort from their child.” - page 76
💄 5. Having a Parent Who Is Overly Focussed on Appearance
“The parent figure who comments on a child’s weight or obsesses about the child looking presentable at all times; the parent figure who is overly concerned with minor details, such as how a child wears her hair. This same imprinting happens when our parent-figures are overly fixated on how they look.”
This can ultimately manifest as:
“Children learn quickly that some parts of their appearance are acceptable and some are not. This begins a lifelong practise of believing that receiving love is conditional on one’s outward appearance.” - page 77
😩 6. Having a Parent Who Cannot Regulate Their Emotions
“Most of us did not have parent-figures who were able to identify, let alone regulate, their feelings. Instead when they were emotionally flooded or experiencing many intense feelings at once, they didn’t know what to do.
This means children often do not develop coping skills that enable us to build emotional resilience of our own.”
For example:
“Some may have projected the overwhelming emotional energy outward, screaming, slamming doors, and throwing things or storming off. For others the emotions project inward, resulting in some kind of withdrawal—this looks like parents using the silent treatment or ‘icing’ someone out.” - page 78
Do any of these experiences resonate for you and your childhood?
🧑🎤 What is the archetype of your Inner Child? And why it matters.
Our Inner Child is the part of ourselves in which we still carry around unmet needs and emotions from our childhoods.
The book goes on to explain that the experiences of our Inner Child can then become Inner Child Wounds, when those emotional/physical/spiritual needs are not met 🤕.
We all have Inner Child Wounds that we are carrying around with us, whether we are aware of them or not. In order to better understand what they might be, and then move towards resolving the pain that is sitting there we can use the Inner Child Archetypes:
🪴 1. The Caretaker
“Typically comes from codependent dynamics. Gains a sense of identity and self-worth through neglecting their own needs. Believes that the only way to receive love is to cater to others and ignore their own needs.” - page 160
👩🎓 2. The Overachiever
“Feels seen, heard, and valued through success and achievement. Uses external validation as a way to cope with low self-worth. Believes that the only way to receive love is through achievement.” - page 160
🐭 3. The Underachiever
“Keeps themselves small, unseen, and beneath their potential due to fear of criticism or shame about failure. Takes themselves out of the emotional game before it’s even played. Believes that the only way to receive love is to stay invisible.” - page 160
👨🚒 4. The Rescuer/Protector
“Ferociously attempts to rescue those around them in an attempt to heal from their own vulnerability, especially in childhood. Views others as helpless, incapable, and dependent and derives their love and self-worth from being in a position of power. Believes that the only way to receive love is to help others by focusing on their wants and needs and helping them solve their problems.” - page 160-161
🥳 5. The Life of the Party
“This is the always happy and cheerful comedic person who never shows pain, weakness, or vulnerability. It’s likely that this inner child was shamed for their emotional state. Believes that the only way to feel okay and receive love is to make sure that everyone around them is happy.” - page 161
🥲 6. The Yes Person
“Drops everything and neglects all needs in the service of others. Was likely modelled self-sacrifice in childhood and engaged in deep codependency patterns, much as the caretaker did. Believes that the only way to receive love is to be both good and selfless.” - page 161
🧎♂️ 7. The Hero Worshipper
“Needs to have a person or guru to follow. Likely emerges from an inner child wound made by a caretaker who was perceived as superhuman, without faults. Believes that the only way to receive love is to reject their own needs and desires and view others as a model to learn how to live.” - page 161
Jump into the comments section with what type you feel like you might be - I’ll go first and admit that I’m very much the Overachiever 🙄 with a dash of Hero Worshipper 😬.
🤯 How do I make sure I don’t f*ck up my kids?
With all of this information, I’m sure that there might be many uncomfortable parents sitting out there right now wondering “How do I make sure I don’t traumatise my kids?!”
(I don’t have the privilege of traumatising my own offspring yet—aka being a parent— but I intend to join the club down the track and be alongside all of you who are asking yourselves this question 👊)
So here is Nicole’s answer to that:
“Trauma is part of life. It is unavoidable.”
Basically she says that no matter how hard we try, our children are going to end up at least mildly traumatised in some way. But there are two main things we can do along their journey to support and guide them as best we possibly can:
Devote time and energy to making sure that you—the parent figure— are taken care of.
“When you honour your body, learn how to harness the power of your nervous system response, access your authentic Self, and model emotional regulation and flexibility, your child internalises it all through co-regulation. Staying in a balanced and self-expressed state will help your child deal with their own moments of dysregulation, using you as a secure base to help return to safety.” - page 271
Help our children to be in touch with themselves and their emotions. To identify how they are feeling and why, and provide them with coping strategies to move through the uncomfortable emotions. Because at some point they will be affected by a situation happening outside of the home and we won’t be able to be there to help them cope.
The best thing we can do for ourselves and our loved ones is to Do 👏 The 👏Work 👏
Other strategies outlined in the book are:
(Honestly there is a reason these books are entire books, and it is an ongoing challenge for me to not end up writing a 300 page summary of a 300 page book to do it justice! 🤪)
Setting boundaries
Recognising and Repairing Trauma Bonds (this is a specific type of relationship in which it mirrors early attachment styles containing dynamics like abandonment, co-dependence, avoidance, lack of boundaries)
Tackling your Ego
Reparenting (which is to do with learning how to meet the needs of your Inner Child)
If this summary has piqued your interest, I would highly recommend reading the book as it is an extremely practical and useful guide that delivers on its name.
In summary,
“This is what this work is all about: the empowerment of being able to choose. We can choose how we treat our body, how we show up in relationships, how we create our realities and envision our futures. Whatever path you take, as long as you’ve consciously chosen it and trust yourself in the process, whatever the outcomes, you will be ready.
When we do the work, we can change. We can move forward. We can heal.”
- page 303
I hope this has been helpful to you! As always, I am here for you and am happy to provide a willing ear if you have any thoughts or reflections bubbling up after reading.
Until next week,
❤️🙏 Eleanor
Additional links and resources:
If you are struggling, please reach out to a support service or professional:
🤝 Human Rights list of Mental Health Support Services
🧘♂️ Guided Meditations on Nicole LePera’s website for ‘How To Do The Work’, ‘Inner Child Meditation’, and ‘Body Consciousness Meditation’
✍️ Download the Future Self Journalling Guide also on the website
📸 Instagram - The Holistic Psychologist - 4.9m followers
🎥 Youtube - The Holistic Psychologist - 310k subscribers
Next week’s book:
Coming out next Friday 4th March 2022 is the edition #6, featuring:
📚 My Grandmother’s Hands
🖋 by Resmaa Menakem
This edition will be focussing on the impact of white supremacy and racism as an ongoing source of trauma and how it negatively impacts everyone in our society.
Great summary. I'm off to buy the whole 300 pages!